| So pure, so rare to witness such an earthly goddess... |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
|
| Goodbye. |
[18 Dec 2009|03:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
Good bye good bye.
Soon I will be deleting my live-journal. It is filled with bad memories, bipolar fueled rants and raves, depressing entries and even hints of my ADHD life...
I will not be making a new one but I'm keeping this up for a few more weeks just to go through and save any old info I feel I might want to keep.
Starting a new life. I am so terrified,.. Danny was all I ever knew but its time to sever the cord and make something of myself.
I've learned it doesn't matter how much of a good person you are. People will still talk shit about you behind your back, and step all over you. Don't give anyone ANYTHING, they don't appreciate it.
Keep your immediate family close, and don't give too much of your heart to your friends, for they are just back stabbers anyways.
Hope everyone finds life long happiness, don't settle for what is not good for you.
Taking my first step now...
|
|
| More about Connecticut! |
[27 Oct 2009|11:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Forever" -Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem |
] |
Not gonna go into too many details, but here it goes:
(Oh and I posted pictures on facebook, if you don't have one, YOU SHOULD GET ONE!! lol)
Left Greenville with my friend Becky at about 2pm, the trip was going well, its about 9 hour drive. We got pulled over in New Jersey about 2 minutes after Becky said "I like driving in New Jersey because you can go 100 and there are like no cops" LOL <3
Arrived in her town at about 11pm (Norwalk Connecticut)
Slept
THEN I GOT DRUNK THE WHOLE WEEKEND haha jk
I met some awesome people including a friend I've had online for about 5-6 years. lol
The town was beautiful, and even in the bad parts it was fucking fun. And I loved it.
Wish I could have stayed there longer, probably forever. Didn't get to see the big city (WHATS UP NEW YORK?!)
But the next time I go you bet I fucking will.
And ofcourse out of the 3-4 days I was there, I only slept about 11-12 hours (the entire time) and ate almost nothing. Too busy to sleep/eat. lol
I did get drunk though, seriously. 2 nights in a row.
And I got on a boat. I was one a mother fucking boat, without flippy floppies. lol
My attention span is too bad to write this shit.
|
|
| I want this shit forever man, ever man.. |
[26 Oct 2009|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 empty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Forever" -Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem |
] |
I went to Connecticut.
OMG
FUN
Can I move there?
New fav song: "Forever" -Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem
<3<3<3<3<3
That song will forever remind me of that place.
|
|
|
[03 Oct 2009|11:56am] |
Does anyone know where Danny is? He hasn't been home and his phone is off or dead.
Is he dead?
Does he not care that Maria and I are fucking worrying about him?
What the fuck!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
| Lost. |
[10 Sep 2009|09:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
I feel absolutely lost.
It's world suicide prevention day, ironic.
I feel like I'm drowning somewhere inside my head, trapped in the never ending flood of emotion. All the sadness, depression, extreme anger and oddly enough intense sensation of happiness that lasts for a week.
During this time of happiness I'll lost weight drastically while still eating about the same amounts. Only to gain it back completely once I'm depressed again.
The happiness feels almost fake. Like I know its not me. I get really jittery, and have absolutely innapropriate thoughts which lead me to feel confused about my relationship. I feel like I'm on drugs, and I know how drugs make me feel. Seriously.
Last week I felt so good, and now I'm back to feeling like my life could end any day.
I need something, I'm not sure what but I feel like I'm about to crash and never recover. What should I do?
And last but not least, CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME??
|
|
| Phenomenon |
[01 Sep 2009|04:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
When there isn't much food in the apartment I always feel really hungry.
BUT when there is definitely enough food here... I don't feel as hungry...ever.
So we should always keep a lot of food around so I don't feel like eating.
It's almost a depression thing. Knowing I don't have much of something makes me want it more perhaps?
|
|
| deadtree |
[13 Aug 2009|02:57pm] |
New painting, it was still kinda wet when I put it on the wall
|
|
| Wow I feel different |
[30 Jul 2009|02:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
It has been a long time since I have bought new clothes for myself!
Yesterday I went to the mall with Danny's mother and grandma to a store called Lane Bryant. (Yes, its a store for plus sized women, who cares).
Well I was trying on jeans at first and couldn't find any that I like, they are always tight around my hips and very very lose in the leg area. I hate that! But Lane Bryant has "special" pants that are supposed to be for bigger girls and they categorize them by colors. (ex: Red = your bigger in the belly area, Blue = widest at the hips, etc)
Well technically I was a yellow but I couldn't find any that worked for what I was looking for, which is pants I could wear a a job interview and also wear out with friends. So I had to go for a Red! And I found a great pair of black pants that worked very well. They were so great and even made me feel good about myself which is a emotion I never feel.
So then I was trying on shirts and they all looked like total crap!!! I hated them all. All way too girly for me, I did see some I liked, they just looked so bad on me though. Well a lady working there said to me that the shirts could look better if I were to put on a bra that "lifted" haha So she sized me for a bra, and I had been wearing the wrong size, tried a new one on....RE PUT on the shirts and all of a sudden they looked so great on me.
And believe me, I never say that haha.
So I ended up getting pants, 2 shirts, and 1 new bra, and another one being shipped to me because they didn't have the color I wanted. :D
I'm so excited and I feel like this could start a new thing for me: wearing stuff that is more girly, or that looks best with my body.
All of a sudden I want to buy girly shoes, make sure I smell great haha and do my hair @_@
I feel good.
|
|
| Life Changes |
[12 Jul 2009|10:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Severely Depressed |
] |
For the longest time I have felt like a big kid. It's definitely time to change.
Pretty soon I hope to enter a Pharmacy Tech/Assistant program at Pitt Community College. It is a 44 hour course which means after only 44 hours in the class I can get a certificate and then get a job afterwards at a pharmacy. It doesn't cost a whole lot and its quick.
The past few years of my life I have been in some sort of denial. Its hard to explain but I can't believe I got MARRIED at 17 and I am still married. I'll be 23 this October 21st and I have hardly worked or pulled my own weight.
Speaking of weight. Having nothing to do but watch a child all day catches up to you and then some day you wake up and realize how much you (or I) have let yourself go. Not like I ever could just eat what I wanted and stay little but before I got married I was only 20-30 pounds overweight. Can't even tell you how high that number is now.
I feel that I'm at a crossroads in life. I either do something RIGHT NOW and fix it. Or continue to do nothing and fear I turn into my mother and depend on a man my whole life. Not that having a man help is bad, its just nice to have your own money and really feel you are doing your share.
There is something that needs to happen before I can really get a hold of my life. That something is some kind of therapy. Psychotherapy or whatever. I have major anger issues and I feel like its consuming my life. Not only that but frequent mood changes kill me.
I go from so excited/happy that I nearly need to throw up, to so angry/depressed that I want to kill myself mostly daily. Not only that, I have major sleeping problems and (TMI) but I also have sex issues. My brain tells me that I'm missing out on life, the best years of my life not getting out there and having fun, growing up and experiencing everything. I try to deny it or ignore it but it only makes it worse to the point that I have SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP.
For the most part, I hate women. Only get along with males usually. So most of the time females also hate me because they view me as a threat, even being overweight and for the most part quiet.
I have accepted the fact that I probably need medication or therapy or whatever to help me. The thing that kills me is the fact that Danny's family doesn't believe in that branch of medicine, therefore I get no chance to figure out what works for me. And feel I go on ignored....(not like I can pay for it myself...)
I feel like dropping all of my (grand total of a few) friends because I see myself going down the wrong road and maybe even hurting myself with drugs, alcohol or even sex. Even though Danny and I have a lot of problems I believe we could work them out and probably stay together for a long time. But if I do anything else to fuck up our relationship I feel like I could lose him and Maria.
All I'm trying to say is... I need some help, not sure what type. I need to grow up and fast. To save my life.
|
|
| Nightmares |
[17 May 2009|08:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sick |
] |
Lately I have had a few nightmares that have caused me to wake up crying.
Takes me a while afterwards to fully realize that everything is okay and it was just a dream.
But I can't stop crying for a while because it was just so terrible.
I used to do this a lot as a child.. have "scarey" dreams or very sad dreams that would cause me to wake up crying. Then never again until this past month when it has happened a few times.
I hate it... :(
|
|
| I need answers |
[21 Mar 2009|07:59pm] |
I get so uncontrollably filled with extreme rage all the time and I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to control it and I feel like it RULES my life.
I feel completely broken.
What do you do?
|
|
| About a News Video I just watched |
[10 Mar 2009|09:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
On CNN there is a video of a guy, Russ Leatherman, talking about the movie 'Watchmen'. I haven't seen it yet but I really want to. People have told me there is a lot of violence and nudity, but who cares lol.
Anyways Russ Leatherman stresses that he doesn't think this movie is for women at all. He says its "too dark, too violent" that no woman would enjoy.
That really bothers me because I love that stuff. Just because I'm a girl, he thinks that I'm too much of a pansy to enjoy anything other than a 'chick flick', which I hate btw, don't like those movies too much.
I'm going to see Watchmen and I'm probably gonna love it even though I hear its too long. I'll just bring some candy or something so I can stay focused or w/e.
I wonder who my fav character will be? :)
|
|
|
[13 Feb 2009|11:22am] |
Had my surgery, doing fine. Very high on percocet though. Didn't want to take too much of it, and felt like I didn't really need it until the morphine wore off from the hospital.
Only have one hole from it but the doctor said I had A LOT of inflammation which made the gallbladder a little hard to remove.
Anyways, I'm alive and I hope to go to Ann's party tonight woowoo. No alcohol for me though.
|
|
| Its kinda weird, but I want to say thank you. |
[28 Jan 2009|11:39am] |
If Heather and Chris had not came over to hang out with us I might would have never went to the doctor to find out what is wrong with me. (Heather had her gallbladder taken out and she described to me why and when she did her situation sounded exactly like mine, for those that don't know)
Would have just lived with that pain until who knows how long.
Talked with the doctors and they thought I should really get surgery and everyone else agrees so we scheduled it for February 12th (thursday)
Never had surgery before so I'm kinda scared but its a fairly routine thing for them so I shouldn't really worry.
|
|
|
[23 Jan 2009|10:42pm] |
I've been feeling like complete shit lately, not gonna lie.
I've gained so much weight since getting married 5 years ago and I'm so depressed all the time that I just wonder, does it even matter? Is life important enough to care about losing weight? All I have is Maria and Danny. I even feel like Danny doesn't want me anymore. So yeah...with out anyone to impress, should I even bother?
I REALLY need to talk to a therapist or pyschologist about how I feel but I feel that Danny (and his family) thinks people don't need that really and I would only be waisting money if I go.
What if I NEED medication to help me get better? Some days I honestly want to kill myself,... now even. I'm writing this not because I think people care but maybe because I need to just think outloud...in text. Sometimes I feel that Im really going crazy.
I so badly want to finish going to school so I can take care of myself so I won't be anyones bitch anymore. But since I don't have a job I can't pay for it. My health isn't good anymore I could barely stand up long enough to keep a job. "Desk jobs".... yeah yeah but they want experience,.. experience I don't have!
I feel absolutely helpless. I don't know what to do.
|
|
| I love you Danny |
[16 Jan 2009|04:08pm] |
Happy 5th anniversary. Thank you for the flowers <3
|
|
| Here we go... |
[16 Jan 2009|12:17pm] |
Haven't posted in a long time. So I figure now is a good time
Last week Heather and Chris came by and I was talking to Heather about her surgery and asked her why exactly. At the time I didn't know much about gallstones, but since I took anatomy/physiology just recently I knew what gallbladders were for and all that.
Well as she was explaining to me about her pain she had been getting I had this weird thought, omg, that is EXACTLY what I've been going through for the past year and a half. But I didn't immediately decide that I should go to the doctor yet.
That week I had been getting epigastric biliary colic (upper stomach pain) which was like EXTREME STABBING PAIN lol, and that night after they left I had one of my worst pain attacks in a long time.
Well Danny took me to the doctor and he told me I either had severe frequent heartburn, or gallstones. Scheduled me for an ultrasound on Fri the 16th (today).
Just got back from the doctors office and well I have gallstones! I knew it. People like family members and such made me feel like I was over reacting over simple gas pains or heartburn but I KNEW it wasn't that. I told a friend two weeks ago that I felt that there was something in my body that just wasn't supposed to be there. I was right.
When the ultrasound tech. put the little thingy on me she said she saw them right away and that there were MANY of them (no super large ones, just many small ones) She told me that surgery isn't completely necessary BUT If i would not get surgery the pain would never go away and could definately get worse.
I hate having people spend money on me so naturally I don't really want the surgery but Danny wants me to have it. I still have to talk to a doctor about the surgery itself and all that jazz lol But for now, all I know is I have gallstones..a lot of them.
Oh yeah, today is mine and Danny's 5 year anniversary (of marriage) lol
(For those that don't know, your gallbladder holds the bile that your liver makes to aid in digestion of fats, the bile kinda acts like detergents for fats so they can be broken down, FAT IN FOOD, NOT BODY FAT >.>)
|
|
| Maria's 2nd Birthday |
[12 Oct 2007|09:11pm] |
Tomorrow, Saturday the 13th, is Maria's birthday. She will be 2 years old. I havn't updated in a long time because I just don't feel like it anymore but for anyone who still might read my page I'll write some stuff about Maria.
She runs all over the place and when her hair is wet it goes a good ways down her back. She talks a lot but a lot of it is still babbling. I'd say she has a good 50 word vocabulary though. She says a lot of simple things like "I want.... (insert thing here)" or "I wanna (see, talk, write, play, eat)". She tells us whether she wants juice or milk in her bottle. Also she tells us when she wants to go outside or take a "bubble bath" lol
Not sure how many teeth she has, can never look in her mouth long enough to tell... she has atleast 16 though... She has started to use the potty, we are very proud of her for showing such interest in it. She will say "I wanna peeeeee" lol
She cries a lot more now than she ever has before, I guess its because kids that age are so frustrated they can't tell you exactly whats on their minds.
Still uses a pacifier. I have a goal set that I want her to give it up by 2 and 1/2 years old. But definately by 3.
Here is a recent picture of her.
|
|
| Hi |
[27 Feb 2007|02:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
DSA - Killing myself again |
] |
New piercing(s)
New House
I want to lose weight
I need to change/cut my hair...Maybe just a trim.
Maria is growing up :P
|
|
| Woo |
[14 Nov 2006|02:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lit up - Buckcherry |
] |
Update time I suppose. Havn't wrote anything in a while.
Greenville now has a Hot Topic and I'm excited about that. Bought an A7X long sleeve black shirt and its great. Very comfortable. They have a HIM shirt like this one that I'd like to get also. I bought some 14g black earrings. I had a 14g in my right ear but I couldn't get a 14 in my left so I bought these because when you first put them in your ear that part is small and it gets bigger in the middle. So yeah that worked. I also bought a pack of earrings that has a pair of 12g,10g and 8g. Going to start on that soon. That was like $20 O.o seems pretty cheap to me.
I looked for a 6g tongue ring at Hot Topic but they only had 14g. So I went to Spencers and they had as big as 8g and that is what I have in my tongue currently.
The week I spent in Willmington was fun. It was nice having someone to go out with to the mall (who also has a baby!) hehe I think Maria enjoyed it too cause that was like the most she had ever been out...ever lol. I'm bad. I hate going outside.
Well now that it is getting cold I might go outside more. I hate the heat. Love the cold.
Been playing DDR...I suck at it. I've gained so much weight since I've been with Danny. Havn't played DDR seriously in over 3 years. Gained like 40 lbs lol Which I am trying to lose btw. I don't have a membership to a gym so pretty much all I can do is play DDR (which depresses me)
Soooo I have been trying to cut out coke and drink more....coke zero hahaha And I'm eating shit loads of vegetables. I like vegetables but not this much. I've gone through like 10 bags of vegetables these past two weeks. I don't know if I have lost any weight but atleast I'm eating better.
I want to go back to school soon. Maybe I should do some online classes at first because I still don't know what I want to go to college for. Maybe I could do a 2 year transfer course thing and then go to a university someday. <3 That sounds pretty fun but I doubt myself. I doubt that I'll be able to do it. I'd like to get a job and start saving money to be able to go to school but I have no idea how I'll be able to do that. I don't want to put Maria in daycare and I can't rely on family.
I still want another tattoo I just don't know what yet. I like girly tattoos sorta (my stars and wings are girly) but I also like tattoos like skulls and shit like that. Video game tattoos ftw lol jk maybe.
Hung out with Ann the other day and we had so much fun. We took some pictures in the bathroom at IHOP that I think turned out pretty well if you ask me :P
Anyways need to change Maria's diaper and feed her. :P
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
xjeskaxdawnx's journal